where we gonna go from here?
I felt that i needed a change so badly. i was out growing my apartment, i was out growing boston, i needed to do something. so i packed up and drove across the great us of a and ended up here, in oakland. I don't know what provoked this. i suppose i have always wanted to do travel nursing since school just to see what else is out there but now just seemed like the best time. i hated 539 since the start. it seemed like such an awesome place but with everything that went out it really came in between me and loving it as a home. but that is neither here nor there.
I thought i needed a change so i gave myself one. a big one. new job, new city, new time zone, new life. but what i didn't realize, is that it wouldn't give me a new me. not that i necessarily want a new me, i like me, i just want to be a different version of me. i think i am pretty cool and have a great sense of people and life. i am understanding, a good friend, and fun to be around. however i feel like i have nothing unique about me. what do i stand for? i don't do anything. i don't feel like an individual. i feel like this alot when i go shopping. when i shop i mostly pick things out that i think id like, try them on and go from there...just as anyone else. but there is always this little presence with me as i pick out clothes thinking, "maybe i'll dress like this, or have this style" or even sometimes i feel like i have no real "style" i am stylish...i guess i mean i like to wear what is in, but i have no definitive style. and that's fine but it doesn't end there.
since doing match I've got to thinking...i write and re-write my match profile all the time. usually to make myself sound more appealing...i write things about how i like to go out a lot (true true true!) but also like to stay in (again the truth) how i like to do things outdoors..cook...read...run...go to shows...and when i break it down, those are actually all things i love doing but does camping once or twice a year and skiing a few times in the winter count? and cook? i haven't cooked at all lately unless you count pasta and sauce...then once boy emailed me and asked what i liked to read? umm...i am reading a book right now, that i started in the summer... and running? i do think about running everyday, but am always too lazy to do it.
i am the same katelyn as i was in southie, i still sit on the couch thinking about a bigger and better me. i assumed california would automatically turn me into a better version of myself. and in some aspects i suppose it has. i picked up my whole life and left. left my friends, my family, my neighborhood, the places i like to go, my comfort zone. but what have i gained so far?
i don't DO anything. i sit here and think about doing stuff and how great I'll be when i do them, but never do. and that makes me feel like I'm wasting everything. i need to set goals and achieve them.
although i haven't really met anyone yet, probably because i haven't really tried...i am not completely lonely...yet. i am bored though. i like living alone for the most part, but i miss having someone to grab a drink with and the availability of so many friends around and so close. but at the same time, i anticipated this so in a way i am prepared.
i went out alone tonight which i always said i knew i could do, but at the same time had many reservations about. i wouldn't mind going out alone to somewhere like the playwright where i could just sit a the bar, drink a beer and chat it up with the bartenders or some other bar-goers. i don't mean just because i know everyone there, i mean i could do it here too, at a bar that is similar. so tonight i wanted to try. there is a tiny wine bar across the street from my apartment that i pass every night on my walk from the bus. i decided after walking around berkeley alone this afternoon, that i would stop in there for a glass of wine or two. so i went in and there is only a tiny bar with maybe 8 seats and about 10 tables in various sizes. i went and stood at the bar, no available seats, ordered a glass of wine, and waited for someone to get up. it wasn't long before i had a seat and was feeling more comfortable when a waitress came over to me and said that you have to put your name in to sit at the bar...wtf. what kind of place was this. so i felt uncomfortable and got up, put my name on the list and continued standing at the bar. it was weird because i felt uncomfortable about being alone, i guess, but i just didn't know how to act. i guess its different being alone in a familiar place and being alone in an unfamiliar one. so after my glass of wine i left and drove around oakland looking for somewhere to go, not stopping anywhere. then i went to SF and went to some of the popular streets that were loaded with bars and places to drink but didn't feel inclined to stop at any, i guess because i didn't know what to expect. would i go in and it be uncomfortable again? probably. so i kept driving. came back to my apartment and decided to go back out to a bar down the street that is very tiny and pretty famous for being a spot Jack London used to write. so i went and it was uneventful. the people there were an older crowd, as was the bartender. the only person that really spoke to me was a fat guy that told me he liked my lipstick (which is funny because earlier in the night i put on pink lip stain and dared myself to go out with it on but wiped it off before i left, guess it really does stain)
so i don't know what I've learned from that except that it makes me want to change even more. i need a center, i need more character. i want to change. and i do not want to give up who i am or where i came from, i just want to become more interesting, to myself. i want to do things and not be so lazy. i guess i will need to think of some goals to set for myself...
