so if youre lonely...you know im here waitin for you.

so i just put away all my laundry andd UNPACKED...only took two days, that neeeverr happens. anyway, i sat down w some red just in time to catch the end of silversun pickups on unplugged. jackpott. i even caught them singing lazy eye

so i saw j last night. well...i actually saw him monday night at the bar. first time since not talking for a month, we were cordial at the bar, i didnt really speak to him..just let him drool at me from across the bar. anyway..he came over last night and it made me so happy. its weird because this whole time ive cried over him and been so so sad, and ive wondered what i would do if i saw him or if he contacted me. every tells me how absurd and immature he is, which i so agree with. if he didnt want to be with me, for whatever reason, he should have had the balls to tell me to my face. with that said, i have missed him every single day like i used to miss him when we were together and i wouldnt see him for a couple days because of our schedules. it hurt a lot. i thought about him so much. ive never felt like that before, and ive never been so let down.

now seeing him, im even more confused. its weird because before i went away, people were like oh ya, you gonna call him when you get back...ask what the fuck happened? and i really didnt even want to, what would i even say? but while away, i was like im gonna do it, im gonna do it...then that night i bumped into him, which was bound to happen. anyway, i just dont know what to think.

i know some of it may be me, but its him too. and i know people are going to tell me im a fool to go back with him this soon, and i dont even know if i want that, but i cant help how i feel about him. we've agreed to see what happens and start hanging out again, but now im so scared of him just cutting off again. and its hard because with him being older, it automatically makes things more serious, and is this what i want? do i want someone that works every single day, during the worst hours. i dont even know what i want, or what im expecting. i was so sad when i wasnt with him, and when he was here i was happy and satisfied, so i guess that says a lot. we"ll see.

i'll probably be crying again in a week.

i LOLing at jimmy kimmel...looks like jersay shore is in miami! puke

missed whits call tonight! miss you PIC!!!

some picks

NYC @ christmas timee!!

laaaaazyboyy

<3

i am sooo heartbroken.

i am NOT being dramatic...i gave a boymy heart for the first time in my life. i told my family about him, i made my life around him, and he broke my heart...now im left with nothing..

this sucks..

falll

hmm i love the fall so so much. katie and i went for a nice walk, got coffee, went to the dog park. it was such a nice day, and it was nice to leave the house during sun hours.

so a lots changed, lots hasn't. moving absolutely suucked. the movers we hired to move out of mission hill never showed, and no one was around to help us because we didn't think we'd need it. katie and i moved just about everything out ourselves, thankfully my brother came mid way and helped us. i owe him my life. the next day wasn't so bad because our parents were there to help. our new apartment is amazing. the location is perfect, so close to the beach, and it is just so cute and nice and the perfect change. its amazing how many people we know live within walking distance, and we have been meeting so many new friends that live around.

in the meantime, nate and i started dating again for the first time since highschool which wasn't even real at the time i don't think. he hated me after anyway because i completely stopped talking to him when i met steve. whoopsy...

soo its been a month and obviously i am pretty over it. we started going out at the wedding which like helllloo everyone is in love at weddings, they are hypnotizing! i thought it would be a good idea, so we both decided to "try it out" next thing i know we are in a fucking relationship on facebook. ughhh...yah. he lives almost two hours away which is obstacle numero uno. he came down here for a night and we went out with a few of my friends and it sucked. it was so stressful for me and it was just awkward. two weeks ago we went to the bar down the street with katie and he was just so socially awkward, i couldn't even believe it. so that was that. its just hard because i like him and all, but I'm not sure its enough to go through all this effort for. so we shall see how this all pans out.

living with the dog has been hard too. somedays its not bad and sometimes i just want her out. that's life though i guess.

i haven't talked to steve in almost two months. I'm glad i haven't talked to him, and he really doesn't cross my mind much, but we he does it makes me sad that i don't know what hes up to. but we go through things like this often so i suppose one day we will talk again, if i decide i ever want to.

its hard ya know, keeping in touch with people. so many of my friends get worried if i don't talk with them for a period of time, even though in the back of their minds they know that's really how i am. i don't make much effort usually and its not for any reason, just who i am...and when i am afraid that things are drifting then i do make the effort. and so far, that's been working for me. its how i work. some people call others all the time, or need to talk to everyone everyday. but what does hurt is when the effort is there and it isn't reciprocated. that's when it hurts. and that's also when i do shy away. i can only try so long before I've been pushed away.

katie's at work tonight so that means i have nothing to do but watch tv or clean. :( guess which I'm about to do..

KG here ya gooooo

haha well kel heres some new material:

I hate hate hate packing. im so lazy id rather just wait until the movers get here and throw everything into random boxes and bags....but if i did that katie would probably murder me in my sleep.

i blocked a few people on facebook last night. it felt good. i did it so they couldnt find out what i was up to, but mostly to protect myself from knowing what they were up to. my nails are so long i look like a crack head, i cant even type. hahaha.

i can not believe the summer is basically over. so sad. i did everything but get a tan. ok ok i really need to paccckkkk. fuck.

In the dark of the night I can hear you calling my name

i think i did something stupid.
well i know it was stupid but at the time it was a good idea and i mean, looking back it was still a good idea, just maybe not the best idea. it was selfish and i dont know how to feel or what to think.

i miss you.

DSASDN. bye

you say you had a bad feeling?

so i finally finally have my computer back, i thought i was gone and lost for ever without it. i have to start getting ready for work which is a total drag, however i just called out on friday because tatiana was coming up, and i would do just about anything to be next to her. its weird, we haven't lived together for a year now. she doesn't know the stupid little things i do anymore. oh well.





i had the craziest dream last night that i had to drive down this street when i was stoned and there were like flashing lights every where, kinda like vegas anyway i finally arrived at my house i guess it was and my parents were having a huge cookout and i kept sneaking away to smoke and apparently sean and all his fla friends were there too but acting weird. anyway at the end my mom drove me to seans and he was wicked stoned and she made him drive me home. haha i guess that's the only way ill get to talk to that kid these days.


i miss whitney tons, i haven't really talked to her lately except one drunken phone call. also, in my dream last night she randomly showed up, but i don't think she lived far away in my dream. ahh my hearttt whit.

throwbaccckkk--love ya and miss ya girlfriendd.

and just a side note: i think its fine if you grow out of people, its understandable, and its normal and it happens...a change of heart happens. but don't leave the window half open or even cracked for the person to still think theres any communication or chance. shut the fucking window already.